Real is Adequate

Can I be honest? When I set out to start this blog I was full of ideas and things to say. For weeks now I have been staring at an empty page unsure of what to write. How am I supposed to write a good impressionable first blog post when I don't feel adequate enough to start an adoption ministry and to give hope to others when at times I feel so hopeless myself. And then I try to think of how people see me, which I really shouldn't care about, but I do. I want to people to see a gal with a Jesus-filled red lipstick smile underneath her favorite hat brim. That image of myself falls short. I want to be real. Can we agree that being real can be real scary? I want to be real and vulnerable but I am also not sure if I want people to see the side of me where the red lips cuss and the heart and hands that allow myself to be drug through the mud because I just won't let go. And I really don't want people to see the me where I fail to give Jesus the time He deserves. Or the me that's all dark and twisty inside. The good news is- it's not about me. It's about Jesus. If it is honoring to Jesus to be real about the ugly parts of me, then so be it. And it's more than that! Jesus makes me adequate in weakness.

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God." 2 Corinthians 3:5

So, in the spirit of realness and adequacy in Christ, I'm going to begin to tell my story- something that is scary for me not only because it shares my inadequacies but it may be ugly and painful to sift back through. But that is okay- my hope is that in my story and inadequacies others may find reassurance and hope in the resurrecting power of Jesus.

So here it goes...

I go by Dani instead of my full name, Danielle, because I never liked the way it sounded when my sister said it. Not that I hate my sister- well...I kind of do...not her specifically but the things she has done, the memories associated with her. It's hard to not feel some sort of hatred or resentment to someone who tried to drown you in your family's pool at the age of....hell I don't know. I don't remember what age that happened at because I can't retain a timeline of my childhood. That's what happens when you live in a trauma inflicted home for 15 (ish) years. 

But Jesus makes me adequate anyways. 

I live/react out of trauma a lot of times- I shut down, I don't let go, and I even tune out my sweet husband when he's done nothing wrong. 

But Jesus makes adequate. 

I have absolutely amazing parents who did everything they could for us while still suffering themselves. To imagine having a child who would rather make a plan to kill her family than to allow herself to be loved. 

But Jesus made them more than adequate parents.

 There was a chance at one point in my childhood that DSS could have taken me and my siblings from my parents because of allegations my sister made....I didn't know this until I was in college. 

But in my lack of knowing He makes me adequate. 

I'm OCD about order to the point that I rewrite lists and clutter makes me anxious and stressed. 

But Jesus makes my anxious tenancies adequate.

I freak out when people don't tell me the truth about what they are thinking/feeling because I tend to over-communicate in my fear of losing people.

But Jesus makes my fear adequate.

Most days I feel guilty because I feel nothing about the trauma I experienced nor do I have any thoughts or feelings towards my sister. Other days I cry uncontrollably in grief for the prodigal sister I never got to know.

But Jesus makes my emotions, or lack there of, adequate.

I don't let people touch me when the joint pain of retained trauma in my body is too much. Ya'll, my husband is a saint.

But Jesus makes my flesh adequate enough for His will.

I have an unrealistically negative outlook on adoption, but my passion and calling is to start an adoption ministry.

But somehow Jesus makes my inner conflicts adequate. 

 BUT JESUS. 

He makes all of my inadequacies adequate for His good and wonderful purposes. His mercies are new each morning.

 He makes me adequate to have an adoption ministry when I doubt my adequacy.

As one of my favorite songs says, He doesn't give His heart in pieces. 

He chooses to give us His heart, whole and unscathed, to let it be broken so that we are not alone in our suffering. His love alone is what makes us adequate.

So that's me, take it or leave it. One great failure of a primed first impression. Luckily, we don't have to be adequate in ourselves because of the boundless impressionable adequacy of His love. 

If you are feeling broken, hopeless, or inadequate today...allow yourself to be the real you- for He is more than ENOUGH.