When I Became a Father by Luke Self

I will never forget the day it is a memory that will forever be burned into my mind, I was laying on the couch when my wife yelled my name from the other room I jumped up as my wife ran into the room and handed me a pregnancy test.

It was then, as I looked down at this positive pregnancy test I realized I’m a father.

For at that very moment a little human with half of my DNA was alive and growing in my wife. From then on I realized I was now responsible not only for myself and my wife but for this life we had created.

As a christian who believes that God creates life at conception (Psalm 139:13-14) I also believe that you become a parent at the moment of conception. You are not a mother when your child is born you are a mother when your child is conceived because at that moment you start to protect that life you are growing.

I believe the same should be true for fathers, you don’t become a father the moment your child is born you become a father at the moment of conception, because it is at that moment your life is no longer about you it is about the life you are also responsible for creating, it’s about a commitment you made when you entered into the bedroom.  It’s about providing, protecting and valuing the life of your offspring that is going to grow to look and act like you. It’s about whatever promise you made verbally or non-verbally when you laid down with the opposite sex.

 I feel we should start holding men accountable for the actions and promises they make

to women.

I feel like boys should start stepping up and act like men and fathers when a woman tells
you she is carrying your child.

My story doesn’t end there however, another day that will forever be burned into my memory is the first day my wife and I were to see our baby and hear his or her heartbeat.

After the ultrasound the doctor came into the room and said five words I’ll never forget “we couldn’t find a heartbeat”.

 My heart hit the floor, and it was at that very moment I realized that although I am a father I would be a childless father, for that child I have fallen in love with and hadn’t yet gotten to hold had already gone on to heaven, and was now being held by my Heavenly Father.

My life changed drastically in less than two months to describe all the emotions would take more time than we all have let’s just say I was shaken to my foundation.

From that foundation this is what I have learned by the loss of my first child and I need to get it off my chest and share.

 First, miscarriage is often times seen as a taboo subject something we don’t really talk about especially if you are the father of said baby.

 The second thing I have learned from this is when you experience a miscarriage you will grieve. It doesn’t matter if it happens at 6 weeks or at 36 weeks it doesn’t matter if you just found out you’re pregnant or your baby was born not breathing either way you look at it, it’s a loss of a baby, a loss of life, a life you helped create.

So you should grieve, and it’s okay to grieve when you experience a miscarriage, because if we truly believe that life begins at conception then it doesn't only end after birth it can end in the womb also.

The third thing I have learned from this is when someone is going through something this hard they for one don’t need people to tell them how to do it, nor how your friend down the road handled it, and they most definitely don’t need to hear “well at least you know you can get pregnant” (if you are saying this than you are missing the point that this is not about the ability to get pregnant it’s about the life you are pregnant with). 

They also don’t need you to “ghost” them or pretend it never happened, now people are going to act this way and it's not because of their lack of words, but for a lack of words. It is good for you to reach out and say “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m praying for you” and it’s okay if you just leave it at that.

The final thing I have learned from this is that just because you are no longer expecting, just because your baby has died, doesn’t make you any less of a parent.

 I still find myself thinking about my baby, what they would have looked like, what it would be like to hold them, who they would have become, and how am I going to tell their younger siblings about them one day. I still love my baby, and I wish I would have gotten the opportunity to meet them and let them know that.

What makes you a parent? Is it not overwhelming love you have for your children, the constant worry and endless thinking about them? Just because I never got to hold my baby doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten to experience some of those very feelings.

Call me bold or call me crazy but I truly believe the men and women who have experienced miscarriage are parents too they are just childless parents. 

 As I drove home from the Doctors appointment I couldn’t help but cry to my Heaven Father, I cried as I thanked Him for the opportunity to feel the love a father has for his child, the love He has for me.

This world we live in is truly a broken one it’s full of hardship and sadness, and I’d love to say it’s going to get better but it won’t miscarriages are going to happen until Jesus returns in all His glory, but thankfully for us we have hope in the fact that He is going to return.

In all this pain, this sorrow, and this loss that I have gotten to experience in the last few months, I can’t help but rely on the promises made to me (and to you if you are washed by the blood of Christ Jesus) that it is by the love of Christ that I am saved, that this broken world is saved, and that eternity is not out of reach in fact it was given to us on no account of our own but solely on the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

 I rely on the fact that although my first child died, death has lost its sting, and I rely on the Spirit to help me hold true to the only hope I have my faith in Jesus, and to the promise I have made to my wife to love with her through this crazy, painful, yet joyful life we live.

Although it is hard to do so when my own sinfulness, pride, and broken pain seep through the cracks of what makes me human, and I get caught up in my own self loathing.

 I am reminded of the vows I made to her and to God to be Christ in our marriage and die to the old Adam that lives within me and take on the role of the new Adam in Christ, and it is only by His strength I am able to attempt to do so.

 I thank God and my wife both however for the grace given to me when I am unable to do so.

Although we feel pain on this earth we must remember that this time is short in consideration to eternity in paradise.

Praise be to God the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.

Amen.